What do makers fear? (originally published February 2021)
So far 2021 has been interesting.
In late January, I decided to try and reclaim a piece of my identity. This wasn’t purely out of vanity. I’d been keeping my creative self at arm’s length for some time, doing anything but wire knitting. And I discovered I am incomplete without it. So, I decided to take the plunge and start building a website, The Knitted Raven.
I decided it will have an online shop (my one and only retail outlet). I started to sort through old jewelry stock, actually made a few new pieces and started knitted with fine yarns to add a new dimension to my creative output. I discovered that I have to be pretty tired before I can’t knit with lace yarn! And suddenly I felt I had the right to call myself a maker again.
Within days of purchasing the custom domain and starting work on the website, I ended up in the ER with a bout of pericarditis. That took the starch out of me for about a week. But I still managed to do little things each day that kept me connected to my new endeavor.
The past week I’ve become concerned about my health. I’ve been anxious. My sleeping habits haven't been great. My weight has been creeping up even though my eating habits and activity levels are better than this time last year (when I was 13 lbs lighter). No swelling in my extremities, but my abdomen seems to be changing shape (lol).
This morning the weight was up over 2lbs since yesterday so I'm increasing my diuretic today. I’ve been coughing periodically for the past several days. My blood pressure is lower this past week and some afternoons I've dropped into the low 80s/high 70s. When that happens, all I’m fit for is playing games on my phone from my chair in the corner of the living room. I’m not even capable of keeping track of a knitting pattern of my own making.
I’m becoming worried my congestive heart failure may be worsening. And I wonder what this means for my fledgling micro business. Even though I planned to keep things low key, and create only as my energy levels and Canada Pension Plan rules permit, I’m now wondering if I’ll have the wherewithal to follow through.
February can be a tough month at the best of times. With the latest COVID19 lockdown it’s not a great time to be starting up anything new. And now I’m worried that the added stress I’ve put on myself may account for some of my recent difficulties.
If this is the case, my heart may very well break over it.