Magic is ageless

I've always believed that personal growth is a lifelong process, but I didn't expect the epiphanies, or the prompts from my subconscious, to be so dramatic in my sixth decade of life.  Certainly my health issues over the past six years prompted more than one dark night of the soul, so I realize that big things can still happen.  Yet sometimes, things surprise me in a profound way.

I had the worst dream of my adult life in late August, and that's saying something.  As someone who has struggled with nightmares and night terrors since childhood, I thought that there was nothing new left for me to experience.  I was so very wrong.

Many of my past nightmares have involved life threatening situations of all manners and description, but in these I've always been my younger, stronger self, or even a souped up super-human version of myself.  Not so this night.

For the first time, my current physical reality bled into my nightmare when I was fighting for my life. I felt the strength leaving my body. I saw my chest scar from open heart surgery appear. And what was worse, my adversary seemed to know more about it than I did. I was overwhelmed with fear because I have not been confident in my ability to keep myself safe as I am today. I felt I had lost any control I might have had to influence the outcome of this terrible dream. I also had to listen as my pursuer gleefully growled that it was only a matter of time now...

The dream was very physical.  I was throwing my weight and shoulder into a door to keep it shut.  I felt a growing tightness in my chest. I knew if my pursuer got to me I would be finished, yet I couldn't focus long enough to extricate myself from the dream. Suddenly I heard a noise - the sound of the neighbourhood crows greeting the morning.  It cut through my fog and was my beacon to safety.

When I finally woke, I was an utter wreck.  I groped the basket on my night stand for medication to calm myself (something I never thought I'd need to do). My heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid I'd have a heart attack. I realized I was having a panic attack and got out of bed and headed for the living room as I couldn't risk putting my head back down on the pillow.

It was a good half hour later before I was calm enough to even speak about what had happened.  As I spoke, my chest tightened anew and my heart started pounding again.  It took effort and help from family to get my nervous system regulated once more.

It was the next day before I tried to speak about it again. Even with more than 24 hours distance, I felt my anxiety rise as I revisited my terror. I knew this dream was significant. It highlighted my insecurities attached to my current physical state.  Even though I was in non-physical reality at the time, I was still afraid to be what I am now.

After some reflection, it occurred to me that my mistake in that nightmare was not realizing I had a choice. I assumed that because my current physical condition in ordinary reality was bleeding into non-ordinary reality that I had no choice to make. Knowing my adversary was aware of my physical condition seemed to magnify my feelings of helplessness.  I literally gave away my power in that moment.

It didn't occur to me during the dream that what my body has endured and survived in this world should have given me more confidence in my ability to find my way.  I didn't survive multiple SCADs because I was consciously able to fight. That moment before emergency surgery, after the second SCAD, when I told my partner I had found my resolve and wasn't going anywhere, was a clear expression of my intent.  After that I was anesthetized for surgery and kept in an induced coma for four days. I had made a choice to find my way back and ultimately did. Perhaps my clear expression of intent gave my body permission to fight to survive. 

Instead of doubting my body for being weak, I should have been celebrating my resilience.

I realized that while I've had an active summer, the most active since my SCADs in 2018, up until recently, I was still behaving more like someone waiting for the worst to happen than a survivor. Sure, I had ditched the FitBit, stopped daily weigh-ins and blood pressure checks, but I wasn't making any plans for myself that encouraged my growth as a person.

Then I had this unnerving dream. It got me thinking that I've never really approached my dream issues as a phenomenon onto itself. I've always considered each one on its own. I knew the minute I spoke this aloud that there was something here for me. After some soul-searching, I traced my way back to where those sleep issues may have started. Revelation and healing has made a difference. It has been more than a month since my last nightmare or night terror. 

I also thought back to when my dreams were a source of inspiration and light for me. It was thirty years ago. I had embarked on a spiritual path. I had taken Reiki training and had begun to teach others. I learned the Runes and was taking tentative steps towards connecting with non-ordinary realties, which I had always known in my gut existed. My dreams were sometimes awe-inspiring. I had visitation dreams where I felt so very connected with the universe. I felt seen, as I was then, and deemed worthy.

Then life got in the way, consuming my energies, time and curiosity in the process. And I never really thought to turn around to see if I could find my way back to that path, until now. I recognized that I was craving that feeling of connection again and it occurred to me that all that was standing in my way was a choice. I just needed to decide to take the first step back on that pathway.

Happily, I've since taken several steps forward. I'm regaining my connection with other realities again. I feel lighter, almost younger. I've resurrected past spiritual practices and am already feeling the daily joy that these bring. I have work to do of course, but I'm so enjoying the process. And I've had my first visitation dream again!

The dream was utterly beautiful. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, I was seen, as I am now, in my 61 year old body, and was deemed lovable, worthy and enough. I was clearly told I have always been enough. I felt safe, relaxed and completely at ease. There was no self-consciousness nor anxiety. 

I awoke feeling blissful and very well-supported on my chosen path.

Only goes to show that magic is truly ageless. And it can start with a choice.